I'm Running Down the Road Like Loose Electricity While the Band in my Head Plays a Strip-tease
In the daily goings-on as the mother of three precious pip-squeaks, I often feel like I have lost my mojo- that special bag of tricks that makes me groove and chill in even the most chaotic of situations. I used to feel in complete control of my consciousness: attitude in check, optimism high, song in my heart. It never took much persuasion for me to get lost in the lyrics of a song, or the passion of a poem; Pictures sang to my soul and, combined with just the right quotation, I was floating through the day, feathers completely unruffled. It was how I felt my feelings deeply-it was what made me, me. After the birth of my first lovely, I still had it under control (Dang, that girl was cute. And fat. And ummmm ummm umm!). But then, when my Handsome #1 was born, 22 months later, I had a sneaking suspicion that things were about to change. My suspicion was confirmed a few weeks after he was born, as I went to the local automotive store to get a new tire. Lovely was in her car seat, crying, and Handsome #1 was doing the same, but with me jostling his carseat side to side, trying to get it to unlatch. I was a wreck-I am pretty sure I hadn't managed to brush my hair that week, and only God and my husband know what I was wearing during that time. A serviceman came to the car, assessed the situation, looked at me with pity, and said, "looks like you got yer hands full". And then walked away...
It was in that moment that I saw my mojo floating away, out the window of my broken-down Jeep Cherokee- it probably landed on some thirteen year old boy who didn't have a clue as to why he was suddenly reading "A Reasonable Affliction: 1001 Love Poems to Read to Each Other" (my mainstay throughout the years) and wanting to trap people in his car to listen to and discuss the latest U2 album...every lyric to each song... What? I was in sensory overload: babies crying, constant nursing, phone ringing, cuteness that hurt the eyes ; ), heart so full that it ached, dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning up after, running a nail-care business, maintaining relationships, toddler sneaking in bed, volunteering, social engagements, car problems, grocery shopping, and renovating an 103-year old house, DIY- style-
I felt completely out of control...I lost myself, for sure. And I didn't even TRY to pretend to have it together. I was in DESPERATE need for renewal. The disorder went on for another 3 years, seeing the birth of Handsome # 2, more of the other stuff, a few trips to a counselor... I get goosebumps from the scripture verse that says,
"Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles; They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint".As a rule, I take God at His word, so I decided to do just that, and see what My God had in store for me- I KNEW that He hadn't brought me this far just to drop me off ... I began seeking help through His word, and waiting....on Him. One day, as I was headed out to a client's house, I popped in a MUTEMATH CD (I had almost completely lost music in my life, and did abandon poetry and art). As the music played, I was beginning to feel a strange but familiar sensation-the words were resonating in my mind,
"I keep stalling out. I just can't keep up. There's alarming doubt. Am I good enough? But You keep coming around to convince me we're still far from over". Over and over again, "we are still FAR from over"..."we are still FAR from OVER"...That tingly-whimsical feeling started to stir up again. I began testing out other songs that used to "do it for me", with increasingly intense results...the culmination of the Return of my Mojo came with the release of the U2 Album, No Line on the Horizon. Again in the car, as I listened to the song, "Breathe", I heard the words,
I Am still far from over.
Every day I die again and again and reborn Every day I have to find the courage to walk down into the street, with arms out -gotta love you can't defeat neither down or out there's nothing you have that I need, I can breath Breathe now
I began to imagine myself walking down the street of a busy city, arms spread out, pulse quickened, turning in circles, shouting, "I can Breathe Now!"
My heartsong was back. Along with my Mojo.
I realize now that my routine is chaos, and that my norm includes sensory overload.
I have accepted the fact that my house is never clean anymore, that every time my buns touch the couch, a sensor alerts the household, and I am dog-piled by three snuggle-buddies, a dog, and sometimes a bunny, that coffee with friends on the porch includes the occasional "MOM-I'm finished" bottom-wiping call, and that sometimes,
ya just gotta find the beauty in the mess.
So, these days, I look at my life, and I take comfort that I am "running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip-tease"...
Walk out into the sunburst street...sing your heart out...sing my heart out.....